Friday, January 20, 2006



I've had so many thoughts on love relationships lately. Love is all around us in so many forms that it's hard not to ruminate on. It must be particularly hard for the people who aren't open and free to love. I know I felt that way in the last few years of my marriage, when just watching a romantic movie made me feel so bitter and angry and pessimistic and alone.

Some of my thoughts are inspired by the "Boys and Girls" movie I reviewed this morning. Some by my best friend A's emailed comments in response to some things I had shared with her about a friend's marital difficulties. She wrote, "It's just sad when people get in a marriage, realize it's not what they want (or maybe don't realize it & just try to redefine it), but instead of actually doing something about it they just get in this ugly cycle of pretending to be happy, then feeling crummy for having to pretend, then rebelling or acting out in some way, thus making them more miserable, causing more un-marriage-like behavior, etc. It happens all the time **raises hand**, but for those who do it for years and decades, I can't imagine what a miserable existence it must be." She and I can both speak to this from a firsthand point of view, but as she is fortunate enough to be embarking on a new marriage in just a few months, and I've at least had the courage to break the bad cycle for the option of being alone, we can talk about it like this.

I also finally answered Jay's post this morning. It's so confusing to find where sex and love perfectly intermesh, and keep it perfect like that long-term. While I used to be able to have sex without love, I've come to the realization that it's not good enough sex for me anymore. I love the passionate connection, and the basic respect and affection for me, for him, has to be behind it for me to truly enjoy it. But watching Jay relate his experiences with Kitti has taught me two things: one, that I'm far more tender even after eight months of separation, than I thought, and two, that the right answers are so hard to find, that having the ultimate faith in and love for someone may be the only way to find those answers when they become elusive.

Incidentally, I had a wonderfully happy day today. I took pleasure in just the sky being blue and the sun shining. I slept and read and wrote and cleaned, and sat by the pool and had a weird dream about Big Dicks.

I'm tired tonight and will go to bed early after the laundry is at a point that I can leave it and go to sleep. But I'm still here, and still thinking, most often about the things that are important to me.

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